Dream

I dreamt of you last night.

Maybe my subconscious was trying to say “Hey, buddy… this is why you put the pressure on yourself.”

Because in the dream, I was too late.

sigh

I dunno. I know you're in this, but I don't know if you're in it in the same way as I am. So I can only ever say for myself. But for myself…

You could never be “too late”. There is no time limit for you. If it takes us until we're old and gray to be able to love each other openly, then so be it. Oh, I hope it doesn't take anywhere near that long, lol. But I am never going to stop loving you. Never. And I will always be trying to express that love as well as I can within the constraints we've set for ourselves at the time. Sometimes, I'll do better at it. Sometimes I'll do worse. But the love itself is never less than constant, and most often just grows and grows and grows. It has never diminished, not even an iota, not at any point since it started.

So why does some part of me insist that there is a time limit for me?

This isn't the dating scene. You aren't over there single and waiting. You're not passing on prospects while waiting for me to come to my senses. I can't know since we haven't talked about it, but… I'm pretty sure you're over there doing more or less the same as me… Trying to love me however you can. Trying not to overstep any bounds, at least not by too much. Trying to hold it all in, but knowing the dam is near bursting. Hoping I'll do something, say something… Being elated when I do. But not being sure how to move forward after. Missing the hell out of me.

I mean. I think so, anyways. Clearly my conscious and my subconscious are at odds about it, though, what with that dream and all…

No way to know which part of me is right… Not without doing… something.

Maybe it's just been too long. I do miss you so much.

And I know I set the stakes too high. I can barely help it. You're so… you. Amazing. Beautiful.

You.

You're who I want to be with. Now. When we're old and gray. Everywhere and every time in between. You.

So yeah, I can barely help setting the stakes too high, but I gotta try. Or I'll end up paralyzing myself.

Well. Fingers crossed I get to talk to you some tonight, even though it almost certainly won't be about this.

And again at the potluck, assuming it doesn't get rained out.

And maybe again on Halloween.

Opportunities to see you are coming. I just need to actually take advantage of them.

I miss you, babe. And I don't guess I'm handling it very well at all. And I need to figure out either how to do better at dealing with it, or figure out how to make it not happen, because I'm actually getting to see you enough.

You know which I'd prefer.

sigh

Yours,
♒️